Double Dragon: A Travesty
By Dojo Master
A deal was struck back in 1991 with Imperial Entertainment to make a movie based on, you guessed it: Double Dragon. The company had three full years to come up with an easily devisable plot based on the simplistic story of the video game, which should have been a walk in the park. Apparently it was more like a midnight jog in Compton because fans received a movie that is posted on websites like Badmovies.org for the entire world to laugh at. The movie resembles the game in almost no way. If not for the guest appearance of the Double Dragon arcade machine toward the end, I'd wonder why it even shares the same title. I can think of a million titles that would fit this movie better: "Billy and Jimmy's Kindergarten Adventures" or "The Public Defamation of Abobo." How about "A Movie so bad it makes Street Fighter deserve an academy award."
For some reason, the movie, cartoon and comic books all make the Lee brothers derive their powers from some stupid material object and not their martial arts. Basically, without the medallion, swords or statues, they are helpless babies. The movie does the best job at this, showing just how pathetic the brothers are at the very beginning of the movie. They can't even win a martial arts tournament and they're supposed to save the world. Needless to say, the fight scenes are terribly choreographed. In fact, I don't even know if they were choreographed or if the director just told the actors to whack each other with parking cones for a few minutes, because that's what actually happens. Either way, somebody should find the choreographer and beat him with some parking cones.
Koga Shuko (Mr. Patrick from Terminator 2) has performed the worst role in a movie I have ever seen in my life. Cheesy jokes, pathetic fight scenes, stupid hair and a good looking blonde who never gets naked compound the injuries to my eyes and ears. I really wish someone would have pulled out a gun and shot this guy in the face a few times. My ideal scene:
Koga Shuko: "Now I have the medallion and I'm
going to take over the world!"
Sadly, this is not what happened. Anyway, back to reality - or at least a reality where two idiots are fighting in a martial arts tournament with noogies.
Just look at this. What they hell did they do to Abobo? It's flat out slander. Somebody start a Save the Abobo Foundation, because it's going to take the Abobo Army a while to get over this one.
This movie fails in every way possible. For once the critics can't be harsh enough, no matter how hard they try. The movie could have been great. Make the brothers the most dangerous martial artists in the world. Then make a crazy guy with bunch of henchmen and a machine gun kidnap their girlfriend (there has always been some sort of love triangle going on there). Throw in about 80 percent fight scenes, a real Abobo, a city destroyed by a nuclear war and you've got a decent movie. In other words, go see Double Impact. It even has Bolo - throwing barrels no less. And a good-looking blonde that does get naked. Don't forget that part.
(Insert smartass comment here)